3 years ago.. today.

Sure I’ve changed a lot.

But my thought is still the same.
— that’s when i know, i am still the same “me” on the inside.

Mizukana1203's Diary

I wish I can start my life all over again, thinking that I’ve made too many mistake on the past.
Thinking that, “What’s the purpose of my life?” back then..
And what’s the purpose I’m trying to achieve right now?

It’s like walking to the door step, and stop there..

They said I need to stop thinking too much, but if i stop thinking, what should i do with my life?

I don’t believe “life” as a gift, because we live and make sin. And we pray for forgiveness, but we’re doing that same mistake over and over again..

I can no longer relate to the “what’s wrong?” question.
Just tell me what’s right when everything went wrong…

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Never act as if you’re the victim; because you’re not.

You only forget the whole story from the very beginning.

 

And nor I am a victim. Never again.
— Because i know the pain. And I learn to accept my corrupted mind since the very beginning.

 

“What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and losses itself in the sunset.”

(Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890)

Then you ask what is life for me…?
Mostly it’s just like I forget how to breath…

 

I took a slow, deep breath, and spoke to him as calmly and carefully as I would address a child.
“Sometimes people hurt each other without ever meaning to, simply by being who they are, simply by existing. I know this.
The fact that you believe such a promise could be kept shows that there is no common ground between us.”

 

Then he answered me.

“–you have not trusted me enough to tell me, to make me understand.
The truth is that you don’t wanna try.
It’s easier and safer to push me away.

But if people can hurt each other simply by existing, then people can also make each other happy if they want to.”

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my immortal beloved,
now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us
– I can live only wholly with you or not at all
– Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you,
and can send my soul unwrapped in you into the land of spirits
– Yes, unhappily it must be so
– You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you.
No one else can ever possess my heart – never
continue to love me – never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever for each other

(Ludwig van Beethoven)
へ ケイ

“Life won’t go easy on you..”

I tried my best to do anything, and it’s just never enough.

I never tried to be anyone else but me, and sometimes people miss understood.
But that’s ok.
Because i don’t care about what people think about me. I care about what people see inside me.
i’m not perfect, and no one does.
so, let it be..

I failed to be a good medics, i failed to be a hockey MVP, i failed to be a good programmer, i never good to be a teacher, and i don’t bother to know that i do a lot of mistakes..
i just don’t want to failed to be friend for someone important to me.

The interesting part is i never try to make people remember me, i don’t want it too. I’d like to let people forget about me, so no one remember that i’m too awkward to live. Haha..
I’d like to let people remember me, only when they see me. When they meet me some other time after we long lose contact and said that “oh.. i remember you,” and mentioned my name correctly even though i don’t remember their name.
The best part of it is that i knew i, once, did something good for them.

I still having the introvert-side of myself, and sometimes, it forced me to think about people around me.
And today, it gave me this one thought.

“When i’m feeling down, i ain’t need someone to tell me that i’m bad, i’m not good in what am i doing, and that i should quit..

I don’t need someone who tell me that they knew my feeling and feel sorry about it.

I don’t need someone who can cry by my side, and give a warm hug, saying every thing is gonna be alright..

I need someone who can tell me the truth, saying that i am an idiot, but then telling me that i am the best that i can do.
That i can do everything if i just try a little bit harder, and put faith on every single step that i take.
I need someone who can encourage me to take a risk, telling me that if i’m not push my self into the limit, i will stuck here forever.
That if i said “I can’t do it”, they will laugh it off and tell me i am stupid, and make me believe, that if you can do it, you wouldn’t be here. So try again until i can do it.
Reminds me that everything happens for a reason.”

Yes, everything happens for a reason…